What happens when the invisible work of mothers becomes visible during a pandemic? Better Life Lab director Brigid Schulte says now is the perfect time for couples to dream up better ways to share responsibilities at home.
What happens when the invisible work of mothers becomes visible during a pandemic? Better Life Lab director Brigid Schulte says now is the perfect time for couples to dream up better ways to share responsibilities at home. Then, Common Sense's Editor-in-Chief Jill Murphy recommends some great content for Mom that is not about being a mom. Plus, the perfect recipe for the parent who claims they can't cook: All you need is a hotdog and six raw sticks of spaghetti.
After the show:
Do you have an equivalent of Spaghetti Hot Dog Surprise? Or maybe a new way to keep your kids busy while you cook? Send your tips and questions to parenttrapped@commonsense.org and we might invite you on the show.
Parent Trapped was brought to you by founding sponsor First Republic Bank. To learn more about their services, visit http://firstrepublic.com
Ann Marie Baldonado: Brigid Schulte is a mother of two. About 10 years ago, she was a journalist working at the Washington Post. Her husband was also a reporter, covering the military for NPR.
BS: He sent me this picture where he's in some combat zone in Afghanistan. And like, you know, he has his bullet proof vest on and he's drinking probably some really crappy coffee. And I had the weirdest reaction to that photo. Of course, I was worried about his safety and didn't want him to get shot and all that stuff. On the other hand, I was really jealous, because all he had to do in his life was get up and go to work and do his job and come home.
[1:00] AMB: Brigid thought about it and wrote some of the reasons why she was jealous – a list of all the stuff she was doing that her husband wasn't.
BS: It was like – kids to the doctor – me, you know, pediatrician – me, dentist – me, grocery shopping – me, cooking – me, laundry – me. And I just thought, wait a minute, how did it get so unfair?
AMB: Brigid didn't want to just suck it up. She wanted to fix that balance at home. And after a lot of tough conversations with her husband, she did. But she didn't stop there. Brigid has spent years researching why, in heterosexual couples, moms tend to do the heavy lifting at home. She wrote a book about it. It's called Overwhelmed: Work, Love, And Play When No One Has The Time. And now she runs the Better Life Lab, developing tools for gender equality at home and at work.
[1:56] AMB: Now, she's looking at what happens when work and home – and school, for that matter – are all happening under the same roof. What happens when your partner in life is now the person you negotiate with over your work space – also known as the kitchen table. You have to decide who's the teacher today, and who's cooking dinner. And that's if you're even able to work from home. How does it all get done if the person you need space from, is the person you need support from?
AMB: From Common Sense Media, I'm Ann Marie Baldonado, and this is Parent Trapped.
[kids screaming]
[2:35] AMB: The cool thing is, Brigid is actually optimistic. She thinks this time when we're stuck at home could be an opportunity for couples to reimagine how they divvy up responsibilities. And today, she'll give us some tips on how to make that happen. Plus we'll get some TV recommendations for shows about what mom life is really like, and a recipe that'll prove anyone can cook a kid some dinner.
[music]
AMB: If you're a mom and you can relate to Brigid feeling jealous that her husband didn't have to worry about all that household stuff, you're not alone. Brigid says before Covid times, research showed that, compared to men, women were doing at least twice as much housework and childcare.
BS: And men do tend to be – at least pre-pandemic – the fun parent. And that women really are doing the day to day intensive labor, which takes a huge amount of mental bandwidth. And that's the other thing. Women do a lot of invisible labor. You know, the planning and the organizing.
[3:46] AMB: Yeah. Can you talk a little bit more specifically about that idea of invisible labor?
BS: Yeah. So it's basically everything that needs to happen. Planning, organizing, logistics, finding a childcare center, finding a babysitter, figuring out summer camp plans, making the doctor's appointments. You know, there's a lot of planning and organizing that goes into child rearing and making a house run. And women do tend to do a lot of that. Plus they do emotional labor. You know, women through the generations have been raised to do what's called kin work, the work that it takes to really keep the bonds of family strong, you know? They tend to be the ones to send Valentines and birthday presents. You know, so that's an awful lot of action, sort of time bounded in the world. But also just it takes up a lot of real estate in your brain.
[4:36] AMB: Let's look at pandemic times, where there's that idea of a second shift, but now there's like third shift, fourth shift – like there's so much now that needs to be done. And I'm just wondering what you're hearing from people about the way work gets done.
BS: Yeah. What this pandemic is forcing a lot of families to do is confront a lot of their own unconscious assumptions that they made about who does what, who should do what, who's better at what. And so now we're thrown into this natural experiment of like – you know, the baby's diaper just needs to get changed. Who's gonna do it and who has the time? So it's like we're in this massive exposure therapy – experiment, almost.
AMB: Yeah, it's like making the invisible labor visible.
BS: Yeah. Because we are all on top of each other now. There's no way that that stuff is invisible. And we're all so tired. And this is a very stressful time. It's keeping us sort of pinned into our houses, which makes all of this labor so much more apparent.
[5:39] AMB: Now, you know, if you read about these issues of who's handling work at the home, you know, versus also the work that has to be done – what used to be outside work, work outside the home, if there's a conflict, whose Zoom meeting gets pushed? If both parents are working from home, which parent has the makeshift office? This is an issue that you researched pre-pandemic, but it sort of reveals whose time is seen as more valued.
[6:11] BS: And the research shows that couples, families – they do tend to prioritize the man's career. So men do tend to make more in couples. And then, you know, let's face it, in America, you know, in the United States, we do not have the kinds of policies that would enable people to feel, you know, that they could take time out from work. And so families have to pay for a lot of stuff out of pocket just to survive. And so, you know, unfortunately, it makes sense that a family would prioritize the person who makes more money. And so I think, you know, we have to understand the bigger picture that we're swimming in to understand why we would prioritize the man's Zoom call, why the woman would be having the makeshift office in the kitchen and the man would have the office in the spare bedroom. You know, that isn't fair. But we're working in these larger systems that are also not fair, that drive these family decisions. And so that's part of what I want people to begin to understand, that these small private decisions – they're not really all your decisions. You know, it's because we're in a much larger and frankly, broken system. And we all need to wake up to that, and think about what kind of systems we do want, what kind of society we do want to be part of, and how do we begin to create that.
[7:32] AMB: If there is an added load given to women now under pandemic times, is there anything that can be done about it?
BS: Yes, absolutely. I think now is a perfect time to do something about it. I think this really gives couples and families an opportunity to really reset/ you know, so this is a perfect time for couples to talk without nagging or rancor about like – well, what is the bucket of work that really needs to get done on a day to day basis? How is that different now in corona? It's time for people to, not just be the helper where you delegate tasks, because that doesn't free up any mental labor at all, but to really get people to own it. And for families and couples to come up with their own systems and their own sense of accountability. Take it one little experiment at a time.
[8:19] AMB: When Brigid says “experiment,” she means that she wants you to come up with your own work systems, but she's also talking about actual experiments that she and her colleagues have been designing. Strategies and activities that they want parents to try out to see if they can change the work dynamic.
BS: We have one experiment we call Freaky Friday. Like if one person usually does the cooking and one person usually does something else, switch it up and just see how that feels.
AMB: You've thought a lot about time management or how that's not really a thing.
BS: Yeah, you know, you can't really manage time. But yeah. I've thought a lot about time.
AMB: But you've thought a lot about to-do lists. And how you get the things you need to get – or don't need to get – done. Do you have any advice about now, how to manage everything that people feel like they have to do?
[9:11] BS: It's so funny that you say that because I will be very honest that – once this pandemic hit, I did everything wrong. Like, oh! I finally have time to get to all of the backlog on my to-do list and won't that feel great? And so I went nuts. I just overdid it on the to-do list. So – it was so funny, I was taking a walk and I saw this neighbor playing the ukulele on his porch. And I was so jealous! Because I realized, it's like I was just so caught up in my to-do list that I had forgotten sort of the the whole point of a to-do list is not to let the to-do list rule your life. And that's probably the most important thing to remember in the pandemic – is that there's always gonna be more stuff to do. You are never gonna clear out the backlog. You will never get everything done. And that's okay. I think this is much more about going back to basics. Take a shower, you know, have a meal together, take a walk. I think getting through the day is hard enough. And give yourself real credit for just brushing your teeth.
[10:15] AMB: Brigid Schulte is the author of Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time. You can find more of those experiments she was talking about at NewAmerica[dot]com. Brigid also hosts the podcast Better Life Lab.
AMB: Do you guys think ukulele guy has kids?
AMB: In a minute – real TV moms, warts and all. Plus, for those of you who say you can't cook, we have a recipe for you! Stay with us.
[music]
And we're back.
AMB: These days, being stuck at home during a pandemic, we're all turning to TV for different reasons, and I know for me sometimes, I want to watch something and think – “it me.” I want to see shows that don't romanticize motherhood, featuring a mom who's be cranky about her situation. Sure, she loves her kids, but she has flaws.
[11:49] AMB: Here to talk about complicated TV moms is Jill Murphy, editor in chief of common Sense Media. Jill watches a lot of tv for work and for fun.
JM: My own true personal favorites that have nothing to do with my kids would be Real Housewives, of any city, anytime. I enjoy it so much. It is like – I claim that I watch it because of the job that I have. I need to be apprised of all things pop culture. I mean, really anything Bravo. I will just spend hours watching that.
Jill oversees all the ratings and reviews for Common Sense Media, and maybe we can debate about how real the Real Housewives are but here are a few of Jill's favorites TV programs that show what motherhood is really like.
[12:39] JM: Well, most of the shows that are out there that show moms not being too June Cleaver-ish, you know, the mom being snarky, which is OK, and still feels quote unquote, family friendly. But the shows that I always like to call “husband education” in my house, where I really want my husband to watch the show with me, because this episode of Working Moms, for example, is going to relay to my husband, better than I can, how hard being a mom and working actually is.
[audio from TV] WOMAN 1: How would you feel if you were a little person who lost every argument, all day?
WOMAN 2: That is my life.
JM: So those are the shows that are like gold to me and are cathartic in so many ways and really valuable for parents to watch, even on their own, because they can watch them and deal with the realities of being a mom while also, you know, leaving it there and going back to their family and still being able to cope with the fact that we're all endlessly cooking and teaching and working and doing everything else in our houses right now.
AMB: Can you talk a little bit more about Working Moms? That's actually a show that that I missed.
JM: Oh my gosh, Ann Marie, you are missing out. It is so fantastic.
[13:54] AMB: I thought I knew shows. But tell me more about this one.
JM: I mean, it certainly – pushes the bar. So it is for sure the 18 and over space. It's both dark and funny. So it gets into challenges of postpartum and what that feels like, cheating spouses, going back to work after having a child –
[audio from TV] WOMAN: Mommy's gotta go to work. And you can spend the day with Rebecca! Yay!! [clapping]
JM: – wanting to be at work instead of being with your kids –
[audio from TV] MAN: You're going to be late.
WOMAN: Yeah, I'm just saying goodbye. It's a traditional custom here. You say goodbye –
MAN: Alright, goodbye. I love you.
[14:31] JM: It just really explores a whole range of parenting challenges, in both a subtle way, and funny, and then brutally honest way.
AMB: Any other favorites?
JM: There's another show called I'm Sorry.
[audio from TV] WOMAN: We may have to order everything at once. I'm sorry. I gotta pick up Emilia in an hour.
WOMAN 2: Ohhh, that baby is ruining our friendship.
WOMAN: That baby is 6, so –
And it's on TruTV. Andrea Savage is the writer and star. And it's hilarious. She has a young daughter and a husband. She's just always putting her foot in her mouth. But the scenarios with her daughter or the school environment ring true for sure. So anything that kind of points out the absurdity of being a mom, the dark side – the honest side, I think – is a win.
[15:16] AMB: I'm trying to think of my favorite mom of the shows that the whole family watches together. I wonder if you have any ideas of a mom that shows all the things that moms have to do – as a way of reminding everybody in the house all of these things.
JM: Right. I always feel like it needs to be compartmentalized. Like I was saying, Working Moms does it for my husband, and for me, but not – I would not show that to kids. They're kind of quirky scenarios within some of the sitcoms. For us, Goldbergs does that a little bit. My kids can kind of see some of the nuances there of like a mom really giving, giving, giving to her kids. And she does it in an over-the-top way. That's really funny.
[audio from TV] WOMAN: Time to give mama all the kisses.
CHILD: Oh come on dude, really?
WOMAN: It's what we've done every first day of school since kindergarten.
JM: So when they have a sweet moment, it seems even sweeter, because it's usually very tongue-in-cheek.
[audio from TV] WOMAN: So give me all the kisses so I can store them away for a rainy day like little love acorns.
CHILD: No! I don't even remember how to do it.
JM: But I certainly think there are scenarios within sitcoms that ring true.
AMB: Jill Murphy is VP and editor-in-chief of Common Sense Media. For more recommendations and reviews, visit CommonSenseMedia[dot]org.
AMB: Who are your favorite TV Moms? Tweet them at us with a hashtag – #ParentTrapped.
[music]
[16:53] Raise your hand if you feel like you are cooking all the time. Do you have a partner who gets out of making meals because they say they don't know how to cook? Well, we're here to prove that feeding the family is something anyone can do.
AA: I'm not a great cook, nor do I even particularly like cooking, but like there's just so much food to make these days.
Adam Allington is a dad living near Washington DC. He and his wife have two sons – one's 9, the other's 5. And lately they've been making some gourmet meals.
AA: We're waffle ironing the shit out of everything right now. You can waffle iron mashed potatoes. You can waffle iron quinoa salad.
[17:35] AMB: Sounds delicious. Adam recently posted a picture on Instagram that really caught our eye.
AA: Yeah, uh – Spaghetti Hotdog Surprise.
AMB: Spaghetti. Hotdog. Surprise. Adam got the idea from a photo his mother sent him from the internet. Now, maybe you've had hot dogs and spaghetti before, but probably not like this. And Adam thought, hey, I can do that!
AA: So really, the thing I like about this recipe is – it's participatory for the kids. And that's a tricky thing. There's so many annoying videos of people cooking with their children right now, where the kids are well behaved.
AA: Guys, no fighting!
AA: And it's not messy and it's all very made for social media. And in our house, those ideas typically don't work.
KID: One piece! Two piece! Three piece –
[18:34] AA: But in this case, like, it's very simple. You take your standard pack of hot dogs. But it doesn't have to be. You could even use, you know, chicken sausage or something like that. And then you cut it into five or six smaller pieces.
KID: Wait, is this 6?
AA: Yeah, that's 6.
And then you take six raw sticks of spaghetti and you shove them through the hot dog bits.
KID: Yes, it's very satisfying.
AA: And I kind of like to do it at alternating angles to give them a bit of a Sputnik looking effect. Kids can do that. Tell them to shove the spaghetti through the hot dogs, and in our case, you know, we do about five hot dogs. If I were Julia Child, I would tell you to boil a pot of water. Make sure to use a really big pot, and then throw it all in there, and that's basically all you need to do.
KID: Whoa!
AA: I suppose you could also add sauce to it if you wanted to get it even more creative.
KID: Dig in!
[19:31] AA: But then, when it's all done, you've got these really funky looking little hot dog nuggets with these wormy spaghetti coming out of them. It just looks really weird.
KID: I think they look like octopuses with 12 arms.
AA: It tastes kind of weird. It's a weird thing to put on your fork and try to eat. And I think kids like something different, right? And this is – we're all looking for something different right now. And in this case, it was actually a really big hit. My kids loved it. And those little small wins right now are just huge.
KID: It's really good.
KID 2: Now let me try! Now let me try.
KID: A little under-baked though.
[music]
[20:16] AMB: So do you have an equivalent of Spaghetti Hot Dog Surprise? Or maybe a new way to keep your kids busy while you cook? Send your ideas to parenttrapped[at]commonsense[dot]org, and we might feature you on the show or share your pictures on Instagram! Plus, we want to hear your family screams!
[family screaming]
AMB: The screams on today's episode came from Jill Murphy's family. And if you're lucky, next week it could be YOURS! Just record it on your phone and email it to us.
AMB: This episode was produced by me, Ann Marie Baldonado, with Dennis Funk. Our editor is Hillary Frank. We got production help from Natalie Price.
Our engineer is Pete Karam, and our theme song was composed by Casey Holford. We get editorial support from Andrea Silenzi, Fred Graver, Kyra Reppen, and Jill Murphy.
Common Sense Media is a national nonprofit that rates media based on children's developmental guidelines. Our age-based ratings and reviews are written by experts and trusted by families everywhere. Visit commonsensemedia[dot]org to learn more.
Thanks to our show's founding sponsor, First Republic Bank, committed to providing you uninterrupted service. To learn more, visit First Republic[dot]com today.
And be sure you're subscribed to Parent Trapped on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you're listening right now.
[music ends]