During a pandemic, there's so much to be stressed about. Dr. Dave Anderson of the Child Mind Institute has some strategies for keeping your anxiety in check—including one that involves eating a sandwich!
During a pandemic, there's so much to be stressed about. Dr. Dave Anderson of the Child Mind Institute has some strategies for keeping your anxiety in check—including one that involves eating a sandwich! Plus, some de-stressy family TV suggestions from Polly Conway from Common Sense Media. And then the director of the Icelandic Forest Service Þröstur Eysteinsson shares his tips on using trees to your advantage.
After the show:
And we want to hear your tips and suggestions! Do you have a special way to deal with anxiety? What are YOU watching with your kids? Send your questions and tips—especially the strange ones—to parenttrapped@commonsense.org, and we might invite you on the show.
Parent Trapped was brought to you by founding sponsor First Republic Bank. To learn more about their services, visit http://firstrepublic.com
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Ann Marie Baldonado: My 8-year-old has a favorite thing to do when we’re outside:
Lena: I like climbing trees because when I climb trees, it’s just like -- I just think about climbing trees. I don't think about anything else that’s going on. And it gives me a place to just think.
[0:41] AMB: What kind of monster would keep this girl away from trees? I guess -- me. I hate when she climbs trees. In olden times, before the pandemic, I’d be super worried. I learned to worry from my caring, but overprotective immigrant mom. I worried that my kid would slip and fall. But I would let her climb and just -- look away.
AMB: You wanna come down?
Lena: Yeah, I’ll come down.
AMB: Things are different now. These days, if we’re taking a walk outside and she wants to climb, I stop her. Sure, there’s no one around, but what if someone exposed to the virus climbed the tree just a few minutes ago? Not likely, sure, but what if? And what happens if she does fall? This isn’t a great time for a trip to the ER.
[1:27] AMB: Ever since the pandemic changed everything, there’s been so much to worry about. Even the simplest, most joyous childhood things can send us into a panic. So how do we deal with that anxiety, and how do we not pass it onto our kids?
From Common Sense Media, I’m Anne Marie Baldonado and this is Parent Trapped.
AMB: Today, we’ll get some coping strategies for worries, big and small. We’ll hear from a clinical psychologist who works with kids and families -- he’s got some tips you’re gonna want to use, probably every day. Then, who wants to laugh? We’ll give you some recommendations for comedies to watch with your kids. And we’ll leave you with a weird little way to de-stress. Who’s stressed?
[family screams]
[2:32] AMB: Okay, we have established that I feel anxious all the time. And I know I’m not alone. There are real dangers out there, like sickness and loss, and we don’t know when this will all end. So what do we do to shake this fear and anxiety?
DA: Look, I can't make you less anxious. That's -- that's fallacy.
Dr. Dave Anderson is a clinical psychologist. And although he can’t magically take away the anxiety, he’s actually going to help us feel a little better. Dave’s the senior director of national programs and outreach at the Child Mind Institute, an organization that focuses on the mental health of children. They‘re working really hard right now, helping kids and families during the pandemic.
[3:17] DDA: What I can do is say -- how can we use the best of whatever psychological science had to offer before this, to apply it in unprecedented kind of crises like this one? We kind of surrender to the fact that we don't have control. We don't have control through the uncertainty.
AMB: Now, I feel like I'm anxious to begin with, you know, and I've always kind of worried that I'm passing on that anxiety to my children, and I'm afraid I'm doing that even more now. This is a big question, but how can we work to not pass on anxiety to our children?
DDA: Right. So this is the thing -- one of the things we say to parents is do your best. So if you're anxious, if you're feeling those feelings, when we talk to children, it's okay to own the fact that we ourselves are feeling a little bit like that. Like, my three and a half year old knows that I'm nervous about his grandparents on both sides. I'm nervous about older members of our family, I'm nervous about, you know, members of our family who have medical conditions that make them more vulnerable to this crisis. He knows that well. And there have been a number of times where I'm amazed at his maturity in asking me if I'm okay.
[4:22] DDA: So in that sense, it's okay to show some emotion. What we try to tell parents is -- you just don't wanna be having this conversation with your child about what's going on in a completely overwhelmed state. You know, we're trying to be, at least, somewhat regulated in that conversation. And then when you do have that conversation, it's about taking a just-the-facts approach, validating the fact that, you know, they may be having emotions and then opening up space for their questions. So like with young kids in the midst of the coronavirus, it's that our speech to them may be, “listen, you know, it's kind of unexpected, but you won't be going to school during this time. And we're all staying at home with our families in the hope that we can keep sickness from spreading and we can also protect the people who might get most sick if this happened.” And, you know, kids ask all kinds of questions. The reality is from that speech, most young kids, elementary school age and lower, are not consuming their own news per se. So that's really what they're going to get as a narrative. And you can commonly get a couple of questions, like them asking if anyone they know is going to die or something like that. And what our answer to that is that everyone's doing their best to make sure that everyone stays wel. You want them to know that this is why we're washing your hands and we're staying away from other people and things like that. And then what, you know, most kids do is they kind of pivot back to themselves when they're young. So it becomes, am I going to get sick? You know, are you going to get sick? Is mommy going to get sick? And those are ways we can get it back to kind of our safety practices and the fact that we're all going to try to get along and get through this together.
[5:50] AMB: You're currently giving workshops on helping parents, helping people deal with issues of anxiety. Can you talk about just a couple of pointers how to handle that anxiety?
DDA: Of course. So we're hoping what we can convey, right off the bat, is that perfectionism and the coronavirus don't mix. Our job is to breathe. Our job is to focus on things that are the most basic health and wellness practices that we can. Focus on getting sleep. Focus on eating at regular times. Focus on getting exercise, at least at some level. These are basic wellness practices that everyone downplays in terms of their significance, but they are really significant in keeping mental health going at this time. We then focus on structure -- structure in any way. Shifts during the day between parents trying to make sure that you have times where you're really reserving yourself for play with the kids, trying to reserve yourself for work, trying to reserve yourself for household tasks or cooking or things like that.
[6:48] AMB: So those are the basics. And once you’ve worked on that stuff, there's the extra credit -- the kinds of stress management practices Dave does with his patients.
DDA: We ask people to do certain exercises. We ask people to check in with themselves. We ask them to create appointments on their phone for five or six moments during a day where you check in with yourself about the emotion you're having, the level of intensity that you have it, and just kind of what the situation is. And we ask them to collect data on themselves, so that we can kind of figure out where the peaks, where the troughs, where the points of intervention in any given daily rhythm right now, during the Coronavirus crisis. We wanna be able to apply some strategies. And then the next three exercises that we really focus on with people are, in those troughs, can we insert a small activity at times that you find fun, or that’s physical exercise, ot that's social, or that involves service, you know, that category as well, in an effort to kind of boost your overall mood in that moment and baseline in general. Are there ways we can talk back to our internal monologues right now? So that that strategy is complicated, but it's one that breaks down to -- you have a situation and you commonly interpret it in a certain way. And if we can stop ourselves in that moment and say, wait a second, does my partner really mean this? Is this really what they're telling me right now and -- or am I interpreting it through maybe the lens of my own stress? We practice that muscle of trying to kind of like stop some of our automatic stress-related reactions in situations, and how we interpret them. Then the final exercise, we try to get people to look at those troughs and say, how can I practice mindfulness and acceptance? You know, I can't control this particular thing. So how can I just taste my sandwich? You know, I can't control this particular thing. So maybe I'll just take two minutes to just close my eyes and focus on my breathing. You know, I can't control this particular thing. So maybe what I'll do is I'll just listen to one of my favorite songs, and I'll just let “Stairway to Heaven” wash over me for 7 1/2 minutes or whatever it is, and see what effect that has.
[8:48] AMB: Dr. Dave Anderson is the senior director of national programs and outreach at the Child Mind Institute. To read more about how to not pass on anxiety to your children, or how to handle it when all that together time leads to a huge family blow up, go to childmind[dot]org.
AMB: So the actual running time of Stairway to Heaven is 8 minutes and 2 seconds. Good on you, Dave, for picking a long song.
AMB: Now, if you're looking for something to just completely distract you from your fears and worries, how about some comedy? In a minute, we’ll talk about what to watch with your family after you’ve seen every episode of Parks and Recreation. Stay with us.
[music]
And we’re back.
AMB: One way my family and I likes to take a break from reality is by watching episode after episode after episode of a TV show that makes us laugh. I’ve got a 12-year-old and an 8-year-old, and the challenge is finding a show that works for everyone. But Polly Conway has some ideas. She’s the senior TV editor at Common Sense, and her job is basically to find great family-friendly TV shows. She joined us from her home in East Oakland, where there were birds chirping and a cat fountain gurgling in the background.
AMB: I'm going to reveal that what I'm personally really interested in, Polly, is finding the show to watch with my kids, now that we've finished all of Parks and Rec and all the Brooklyn Nine-Nines that are out, that's what I want now.
[11:04] PC: Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I mean, what I've been doing is just going right back to the beginning and pressing play on episode one of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. But you don’t want to be in a content loop. It's not healthy. I do have some more ideas.
AMB: Would you recommend the other shows that were made by Mike Schur, one of the people behind those shows?
[11:28] PC: Yeah. I mean, one of the things that I love about Mike Schur and that really works for this time is that his worldview is positive. And even though these shows are silly and ridiculous, people are really striving to be good and do good things. I mean, there's no better example of that than The Good Place. But if you don't know about The Good Place, it's a show where people who have died go to this place called The Good Place. And the main character is not a good person and knows that.
[audio from The Good Place] WOMAN: Those aren’t my memories. I wasn’t a lawyer. I never went to the Ukraine. I hate clowns. There’s been a big mistake. I’m not supposed to be here.
MAN: Wait, what?
PC: And, definitely has value rewatch-wise, because there’s so much kooky stuff in the background. It's generally just as appropriate as Parks and Rec and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. And it's a lot of fun. And it also takes place not on Earth, which is a great place to be right now!
AMB: Right. Yeah. The other thing I like about these shows, like you saying everybody -- is really kind to each other. The casts are diverse, you know -- like a good value system. I will say that The Office, another favorite show that people plow through, is that they're not always nice to each other on that show. But still, yeah -- these shows sort of share that like great ensemble thing.
[12:59] AMB: Now, I remember back when my oldest kid was younger and I wasn't sure when to make the transition from cartoons and kids educational programing to live actions shows -- shows that, you know, I would watch as an adult, or that I felt like older kids could watch. It's like the transition from Paw Patrol to live action or even like a Disney sitcom.
PC: For sure. I mean, I think one thing that makes it a challenge is that there's a little bit of a dead zone, after all of the amazing preschool content. It's like, okay, and now Game of Thrones!
AMB: Totally family appropriate.
[13:39] PC: Right. There's not a ton of amazing, wonderful content for the 7–12 age group. And so I'm always looking to highlight the best stuff that is in there. But it's hard. I think when kids are ready to move on to some more mature stuff, they'll let you know. And I think there are a lot of really cool sort of transitional animated programs. Things like Adventure Time and Steven Universe are silly and kooky and quirky, but also deal with some really big stuff.
[audio from Steven Universe] WOMAN: You seem to have made a series of miraculous recoveries. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve experienced trauma. You’ve recovered physically, but have you recovered mentally?
BOY: You think there’s something wrong with my brain?!
[14:24] PC: And, you know, kids really love those because they're still watching cartoons, but they're being introduced to characters that are dealing with challenges. And it's not so much of a learning educational experience. It's more social, emotional, educational experience. I also really love Avatar and Legend of Korra. They are based on sort of a fantasy world where characters are given powers that are based on nature. It's an adventure show. Hero's journey kind of stuff.
[audio from TV show] SOREN: Prince Callum, today we focus on the art of --
PRINCE CALLUM: Art! Finally, something I’m good at. Sorry. Sorry -- won’t interrupt again. Please, continue, Soren.
SOREN: The art of defense is critical in sword fighting.
PC: They're beautifully animated, really great stories, and I think they're all available on Netflix right now. The newest one is called the Dragon Prince. And they're all sort of in the same family of animation style and story style.
[15:29] AMB: What about animation for older kids?
PC: It's always sort of a liner. Somebody is going to feel weird at some point. So that's the challenge with watching stuff like Bob's Burgers or King of the Hill, which is a show that I love. I know a lot of people really love The Simpsons.
[audio from The Simpsons] HOMER: [humming]
MARGE: Maggie’s asleep and the kids are still having fun at the park with Grandpa.
[growling and moaning]
PC: So sometimes, you know, there's some edgier stuff in there. But, of course, every family is different. Some people are sensitive to violence, some people are sensitive to bad language. But I think there's a lot to be said for, you know, I fell in love with King of the Hill a couple of years ago, and I used to think that was just -- I just hated even looking at it. And then I started watching it. And I was like, these characters are wonderful. King of the HIll is a little bit of an older show. Kids might not know that much about it, but it's about a Southern family -- two parents and a son.
[audio from King of the HIll] BOBBY: Maybe he’s right. I can’t do this.
[16:35] PC: And Bobby Hill is just the greatest character of all time.
HANK: Sure, you can, Bobby. Just remember -- to catch a fish, you have to think like a fish.
BOBBY: Oooh. I’m wet, and I don’t even know it.
PC: So I think that even, you know, shows like Bob's Burgers, which are, you know, wild and silly -- that they have heart. And I think that that's really important. That's also, you know, huge in the Parks and Rec world, is that underneath all of the teasing and joking is -- there's a lot of love between families and friends. And that's really comforting to watch right now, too.
AMB: Polly Conway is Senior TV Editor for Common Sense Media, where you’ll find guidance on what shows are appropriate for what age. That’s at commonsensemedia[dot]org.
AMB: So what shows are you watching with your kids? Tweet them at us with the hashtag #ParentTrapped.
[music]
[17:38] AMB: Before we go, we’ve got one more de-stressing strategy for you, and it comes from Iceland. Now, I’ve never been there, but when I think of Iceland, I think of breathtaking landscapes and nature. And that’s exactly what this little coping tool is all about.
TE: Yes. There is quite a bit of research about the health benefits of going for a walk in the woods. They call it forest bathing. It has benefits for stress, high blood pressure, depression, even the immune system.
TE: My name is Thorster Eysteinsson. I'm the director of the Icelandic Forest Service.
TE: If you find a tree that you want to hug while you’re out walking in the woods, that’s good for you too.
AMB: And here we are full circle -- trees.
TE: Because it makes you smile, and smiling is good for you. You’re still in contact with a living thing. Don’t just go to the nearest tree to give it a hug. Go off the beaten path. Don’t hug the tree that everybody else has hugged.
AMB: Please -- if you are going to be tree-hugging, practice safe tree-hugging. Also, Thorster says to watch out for trees that might have thorns. And, don’t be too rough with your hugging -- stick to bigger trees that look strong and sturdy. Use good judgement, then hug away.!
TE: Every hug is personal, so you have to just, you know, hug it your own way. And, it does make you feel good.
[music]
[19:11] AMB: Do you think you would hug a tree?
LENA: Depends on the tree. ‘Cuz, like, if it’s a tree that I know a lot, like the tree in my backyard -- like Astrid, the tree in my backyard, then I probably -- then I might hug it, I don't know. But if it’s just a random spiky tree, I probably wouldn’t hug it. Or like a pine tree -- I probably wouldn’t hug that.
AMB: Okay, if she doesn’t want to hug a tree, maybe I’ll let her climb one -- maybe.
AMB: Do you have a special way to deal with anxiety? Send it to parenttrapped[at]commonsense[dot]org. We might feature you on an upcoming show. Plus, we want to hear your family screams!
[child screaming]
AMB: Yes, I actually mean yours!. You know you want to scream at -- I mean, with your family. Just record it on your phone and email it to us. This week's screams came from Andrew Conkling’s family in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
[music]
[20:18] AMB: This episode was produced by me, Ann Marie Baldonado, with Dennis Funk. Our editor is Hillary Frank. We got production help from Natalie Price. Our engineer is Pete Karam, and our theme song was composed by Casey Holford. We get editorial support from Andrea Silenzi, Fred Graver, Kyra Reppen, and Jill Murphy and Ellen Pack.
Common Sense Media is a national nonprofit that rates media based on children's developmental guidelines. To learn more, visit commonsensemedia[dot]org where you'll find age-based ratings and reviews that are written by experts, and trusted by families everywhere.
Thanks to our show’s founding sponsor, First Republic Bank, committed to providing you uninterrupted service. To learn more, visit FirstRepublic[dot]com today.
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